Faith and Forgiveness: Letting Go When It's Hard

Part 6 of the Faith & Family Series

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things Jesus asks us to do.

It goes against every instinct. When you've been deeply hurt—by a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, a church—forgiveness can feel impossible.

"You don't understand what they did to me."

"You're asking me to let them off the hook."

"They don't deserve forgiveness."

"I can't forget what happened."

I hear you. I've been there. And I want to tell you something: Forgiveness is not what you think it is.

This guide is for anyone who is struggling to forgive—and wondering if they ever can.

Part One: What Forgiveness Is NOT

Before we talk about what forgiveness is, let's clear up what it isn't.

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

You may have heard "forgive and forget." But that's not biblical. God doesn't forget our sins—He chooses not to hold them against us. There's a difference.

You may never forget what happened. That doesn't mean you haven't forgiven.

Forgiveness Is Not Pretending It Didn't Hurt

Forgiveness doesn't require you to minimize your pain. What happened hurt. It was wrong. Acknowledging that is not unforgiveness—it's honesty.

Forgiveness Is Not Letting Them Off the Hook

Forgiveness doesn't mean there are no consequences. It doesn't mean they don't have to change. It doesn't mean you have to trust them again.

Forgiveness is releasing your right to revenge. Justice belongs to God.

Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation

This is crucial. Reconciliation requires two people. Forgiveness requires only you.

You can forgive someone and still maintain boundaries. You can forgive someone who is no longer in your life. You can forgive someone who has died.

Reconciliation is a gift you give when it's safe. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself—whether or not they ever change.

Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling

You may not feel like forgiving. That's okay. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not a feeling. The feelings often follow the choice.

Forgiveness Is Not a One-Time Event

For deep wounds, forgiveness is often a process. You may need to forgive the same person for the same thing many times. Each time, you release them a little more.

Part Two: What Forgiveness IS

Forgiveness Is Releasing Your Right to Revenge

When someone hurts you, you feel entitled to payback. You want them to suffer as you've suffered. Forgiveness is letting go of that right and trusting God with justice.

Romans 12:19: "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."

Forgiveness Is Trusting God with Justice

You may worry that if you forgive, they'll get away with it. But God sees. God knows. And God will deal with it—either through consequences in this life or in the judgment to come.

Your forgiveness doesn't let them off God's hook.

Forgiveness Is Setting Yourself Free

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn't hurt them—it hurts you. It poisons your heart, steals your peace, and blocks your relationship with God.

Forgiveness is the key to your own freedom.

Forgiveness Is Reflecting God's Heart

God has forgiven you. Not because you deserved it—because He is gracious. When you forgive, you're reflecting His character. You're doing the hardest, most God-like thing a human can do.

Forgiveness Is a Process

For deep wounds, forgiveness happens in stages. You may need to pray, "Lord, I want to want to forgive. Help me get there." That's a valid prayer.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Part Three: The Cost of Unforgiveness

What Unforgiveness Does to You

· It poisons your heart. Bitterness grows. You become someone you don't want to be.

· It steals your peace. You replay the offense over and over. It lives rent-free in your head.

· It affects your health. Chronic unforgiveness is linked to high blood pressure, weakened immune system, depression, and anxiety.

· It damages your other relationships. You bring your bitterness into every interaction.

· It blocks your relationship with God. Jesus said if you don't forgive others, your Father won't forgive you (Matthew 6:15). Unforgiveness is a barrier to experiencing God's forgiveness.

What Unforgiveness Does to the Person Who Hurt You

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They're living their life, probably not thinking about you at all. You're the one suffering.

Unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts them.

Part Four: The Hardest Forgiveness

Forgiving a Spouse

When your marriage has been wounded—by betrayal, by neglect, by words that cut deep—forgiveness can feel impossible. But marriage requires forgiveness. Daily. Sometimes hourly.

What helps: Remember how much you've been forgiven. Keep short accounts. Don't go to bed angry. Get help if you're stuck.

Forgiving a Parent

The wounds from parents often run deepest. They were supposed to protect you, love you, be safe. When they failed—through abuse, neglect, addiction, criticism, absence—forgiveness is hard.

What helps: Acknowledge the wound. Grieve what you didn't receive. Separate who they are from what they did. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them.

Forgiving a Child

When your child has hurt you—through rebellion, through words, through choices that break your heart—forgiveness is essential. Not for them. For you.

What helps: Remember that you've hurt your own parents. Receive God's forgiveness for your failures. Extend the same grace to your child.

Forgiving a Church

Churches are made of imperfect people. Sometimes they wound deeply—through hypocrisy, through harshness, through betrayal of trust. Forgiving a church or church leader can be particularly painful because the betrayal feels spiritual.

What helps: Remember that the church is Christ's body—wounded and imperfect. Separate the institution from the people. Find healing in a different community if needed.

Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. You've made mistakes. You've hurt people. You've failed. And you can't let it go.

What helps: If God has forgiven you, who are you to hold out? Receive His grace. Let it wash over you. And then extend that same grace to yourself.

You are not your worst mistake. You are forgiven.

Part Five: The Process of Forgiveness

Step 1: Acknowledge the Wound

You can't forgive what you won't acknowledge. Name what happened. Name who hurt you. Name how it made you feel.

Pray: "God, I was hurt by [person] when they [specific action]. It made me feel [angry, betrayed, scared, abandoned]."

Step 2: Release Your Right to Revenge

This is the heart of forgiveness. You're not saying what they did was okay. You're saying, "I give up my right to make them pay. I trust You, God, to handle justice."

Pray: "God, I release my right to revenge. I trust You to handle this. I won't try to make them suffer. I leave justice in Your hands."

Step 3: Pray for the Person Who Hurt You

This is Jesus's command: "Pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). Praying for someone who hurt you changes your heart.

What to pray: "God, bless [person]. Help them. Heal them. Bring them to repentance. I release them to You."

Step 4: Ask God to Help You Forgive

You may not feel able to forgive. That's okay. Ask God to do it through you.

Pray: "God, I want to forgive, but I can't do it on my own. Help me. Give me Your heart for this person. Let Your forgiveness flow through me."

Step 5: Repeat as Needed

Forgiveness isn't always one-and-done. When the pain comes back, when the memory surfaces, forgive again. And again. And again.

Jesus said to forgive not seven times, but seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:22).

Step 6: Set Boundaries If Needed

Forgiveness does not mean you have to trust the person again. It doesn't mean you have to reconcile. It doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way.

You can forgive someone and still maintain boundaries. You can forgive someone and still keep distance.

Part Six: When You Can't Forgive

The Blocked Forgiveness

Sometimes you want to forgive, but you can't. The wound is too deep. The pain is too fresh. The person isn't sorry.

What to do:

· Be honest with God. Tell Him you're stuck.

· Ask for the desire to desire forgiveness.

· Give yourself time. Forgiveness often takes time.

· Get help. A counselor can help you process the wound.

The Unrepentant Offender

What if the person who hurt you isn't sorry? What if they think they did nothing wrong?

Remember: Forgiveness doesn't require their repentance. It's between you and God. You can forgive them even if they never ask for it.

However: Reconciliation requires repentance. You don't have to reconcile with someone who isn't sorry.

The Unreachable Offender

What if the person who hurt you has died? What if you can't reach them?

You can still forgive them. Forgiveness happens in your heart. You can release them to God even if you can't tell them.

The Abuse Survivor

If you've survived abuse, forgiveness is especially complex. Do not let anyone pressure you to forgive before you're ready. Do not let anyone tell you that forgiveness means reconciliation.

What helps: Work with a trauma-informed counselor. Forgiveness is possible, but it may look different for you. And it's okay to take time.

Part Seven: The Fruit of Forgiveness

What Forgiveness Gives You

· Freedom. The prison door swings open. You're no longer bound to the person who hurt you.

· Peace. The constant replay of the offense quiets. You can think about other things.

· Healing. Forgiveness opens the door for God to heal your wounds.

· Joy. Bitterness is heavy. Forgiveness lifts the weight.

· Closer to God. Unforgiveness blocks your relationship with God. Forgiveness restores it.

A Testimony of Forgiveness

I've seen people forgive the unforgivable. The parent who abandoned them. The spouse who betrayed them. The church that wounded them. And on the other side of forgiveness, they found freedom they never thought possible.

Not because the offense wasn't real. But because God's grace is real.

A Prayer for Forgiveness

For those struggling to let go:

"God, you know what was done to me. You know how much it hurt. I want to forgive, but I can't do it on my own. Help me. Give me Your heart for this person. Release me from the prison of bitterness. I give up my right to revenge. I trust You with justice. And I receive Your forgiveness for the ways I've failed to forgive. In Jesus' name, Amen."

What's Coming Next

This concludes the Faith & Family Series. Over the past six parts, we've explored:

· Part 1: Building a Faith-Filled Home Without Being Preachy

· Part 2: Praying as a Couple: A Simple Guide for Spiritual Intimacy

· Part 3: Navigating Faith Differences in Marriage

· Part 4: Teaching Kids to Pray: Age-Appropriate Ways to Nurture Faith

· Part 5: When Your Adult Child Walks Away from Faith: A Parent's Guide

· Part 6: Faith and Forgiveness: Letting Go When It's Hard

Thank you for walking this journey with me. Now go—and let grace flow through you.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear from you.

What's been the hardest forgiveness you've ever had to offer? What helped you get there?

Share in the comments below. Your story might encourage someone else.

With warmth and hope,

Your Joyful Daddy