Part 3 of the Modern Dating & Relationships for Young Adults Series
When you're falling in love, it's easy to overlook warning signs.
You want to see the best in someone. You explain away their behavior. You tell yourself it will get better after you're married. You convince yourself that love conquers all.
But here's the truth: Those small red flags? They rarely disappear. They grow.
This guide is a visual, practical tool for discerning healthy relationships from unhealthy ones. It's not about finding a perfect person—everyone has flaws. It's about recognizing the difference between challenges you can work through and warning signs you should walk away from.
Consider this your relationship checklist. Use it. Share it. Come back to it when you're unsure.
Part One: Understanding Red Flags and Green Flags
What Are Red Flags?
Red flags are warning signs that a relationship may be unhealthy, toxic, or even dangerous. They are behaviors, patterns, or attitudes that indicate potential harm.
Red flags are not quirks. They are not "things to work on." They are warnings.
What Are Green Flags?
Green flags are positive signs that a relationship has a healthy foundation. They indicate emotional maturity, respect, kindness, and compatibility.
Green flags are not perfection. They are evidence that someone is capable of a healthy relationship.
Why This Matters
Your brain on love looks similar to your brain on cocaine. The chemicals of attraction literally impair your judgment. You will overlook things you wouldn't normally overlook.
That's why you need a checklist. Not because you don't trust yourself—because you know love makes you blind.
Part Two: Red Flags (What to Run From)
Behavioral Red Flags
Controlling Behavior
· They need to know where you are at all times
· They check your phone, social media, or emails without permission
· They tell you what to wear, who to see, or what to do
· They isolate you from friends and family
· They make decisions for you without your input
Disrespect
· They mock you, belittle you, or roll their eyes at you
· They dismiss your feelings or opinions
· They interrupt you constantly
· They call you names—even "jokingly"
· They criticize you in front of others
Anger Issues
· They have explosive outbursts over small things
· They break things when angry
· They intimidate you with their size, voice, or presence
· They have a history of violence
· You feel afraid of their anger
Dishonesty
· They lie about big things or small things
· They hide their phone, finances, or past
· They are secretive about where they go or who they're with
· You catch them in inconsistencies
· Your gut tells you something is off
Addiction
· They are dependent on alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, or substances
· Their behavior changes when they use
· They prioritize their addiction over you
· They have tried to quit and failed
· They deny there's a problem
Irresponsibility
· They can't hold a job
· They don't pay bills on time
· They have no savings and live beyond their means
· They don't keep promises
· You feel like you have to parent them
Lack of Ambition
· They have no goals, no drive, no direction
· They are content to coast through life
· They expect you to carry the weight
· They blame others for their situation
Victim Mentality
· Everything is someone else's fault
· They never take responsibility
· They are always the victim in every story
· They blame you for their problems
· They have a "poor me" attitude
Jealousy
· They accuse you of cheating without cause
· They get angry when you talk to others
· They don't want you to have friends of the opposite sex
· They check up on you constantly
· They say "I just love you so much" to excuse jealous behavior
Cruelty
· They are mean to animals
· They are rude to waitstaff, strangers, or service workers
· They gossip about others
· They take pleasure in others' pain
· They lack empathy
Relational Red Flags
They Don't Respect Your Boundaries
· You say no; they push anyway
· You need space; they guilt you
· You set a limit; they ignore it
You Walk on Eggshells
· You're afraid to say the wrong thing
· You monitor their mood before speaking
· You apologize constantly—even when you've done nothing wrong
The Relationship Is All About Them
· They never ask about your day
· They dominate every conversation
· Your needs, feelings, and dreams are secondary
Love Bombing
· They come on extremely strong at the beginning
· They declare love very quickly
· They shower you with gifts and attention
· Then they pull away—and the cycle repeats
They Isolate You
· They don't like your friends
· They don't want you to see your family
· They make you feel guilty for spending time with others
They Don't Apologize
· They never say "I'm sorry"
· They blame you for their mistakes
· They make excuses for their behavior
· They say "I'm sorry you feel that way" (which is not an apology)
They Keep Score
· They remember every mistake you've made
· They bring up the past in every argument
· They hold grudges
Communication Red Flags
· They stonewall (give the silent treatment)
· They name-call during arguments
· They threaten to leave during conflicts
· They refuse to talk about problems
· They mock your feelings
Trust Your Gut
If something feels off, it probably is. You don't always need to articulate why. Sometimes your intuition knows before your mind does.
If you have a persistent sense of unease, don't ignore it.
Part Three: Green Flags (What to Look For)
Character Green Flags
Integrity
· They tell the truth, even when it's hard
· They keep their promises
· They do the right thing when no one is watching
· They admit when they're wrong
Kindness
· They treat everyone with respect—waitstaff, strangers, elderly, children
· They are compassionate toward your struggles
· They go out of their way to help others
· They are gentle with your feelings
Humility
· They can admit when they're wrong
· They apologize genuinely
· They don't need to be right all the time
· They are teachable
Work Ethic
· They work hard at their job, their relationships, their growth
· They follow through on commitments
· They take responsibility for their life
Emotional Health
· They can name their emotions
· They have healthy coping mechanisms
· They have done their own healing work
· They go to therapy if needed
Self-Control
· They can control their impulses
· They manage their anger appropriately
· They think before they speak
· They don't make decisions when emotional
Relational Green Flags
They Respect Your Boundaries
· They listen when you say no
· They give you space when you need it
· They honor your limits without guilt
You Feel Safe
· Emotionally safe—you can share anything without fear
· Physically safe—you never feel threatened
· Relationally safe—they won't use your vulnerability against you
They Celebrate You
· They are your biggest cheerleader
· They celebrate your successes
· They support your dreams
They Apologize
· They say "I'm sorry" and mean it
· They change their behavior after apologizing
· They don't repeat the same offense
They Listen
· They put down their phone when you talk
· They ask follow-up questions
· They remember what you've told them
They Are Consistent
· What you see is what you get
· Their actions match their words
· They are the same person in public and private
They Make Time for You
· You are a priority, not an afterthought
· They schedule time to be with you
· They are present when they're with you
They Handle Conflict Well
· They stay respectful when upset
· They want resolution, not just winning
· They take breaks when needed and come back
· They don't hold grudges
Communication Green Flags
· They talk about problems instead of stonewalling
· They use "I feel" statements
· They listen to understand, not just to respond
· They can disagree without attacking
· They repair after conflict
Relationship with Family
· They have healthy boundaries with their family
· They speak respectfully about their parents
· They are not enmeshed or estranged without reason
Relationship with Your Family
· They make an effort to get to know your family
· They are respectful even when they disagree
· They don't try to isolate you
Shared Values
· You agree on the big things—faith, family, finances, future
· You can discuss differences respectfully
· You are heading in the same direction
Part Four: The "Yellow Flags"
Some things aren't clearly red or green. They're yellow—caution signs that require more information.
Yellow flags include:
· Different communication styles (can be worked through)
· Different love languages (can be learned)
· Different conflict styles (can be adapted)
· Past relationship trauma (needs healing, not ignoring)
· Financial struggles (if they're working on them)
· Family dysfunction (if they recognize it and are setting boundaries)
Yellow flags are not dealbreakers—yet. But they require honest conversation and attention.
Part Five: Putting It Into Practice
How to Use This Guide
For Singles:
· Use this as a screening tool early in dating
· Don't ignore red flags because you're lonely or desperate
· Look for green flags—they matter as much as the absence of red flags
For Those in Relationships:
· Be honest about what you're seeing
· Don't make excuses for red flags
· Have conversations about yellow flags
· Seek counseling if needed
For Parents:
· Share this guide with your children
· Help them recognize red flags before they're in too deep
· Be a safe place to talk about relationship concerns
The "One Year" Rule
It takes about a year to really know someone. You need to see them in all seasons—happy, sad, stressed, sick, tired, successful, failing.
Don't rush. Love will wait.
The Friend Test
Ask yourself: Would I want my best friend to date this person? If the answer is no, ask yourself why you're accepting something you wouldn't accept for someone you love.
The Future Test
Ask yourself: If nothing changed about this person, would I still want to marry them? If the answer is no, you're dating potential, not reality.
Never marry potential. Marry who they are now.
A Prayer for Discernment
For those trying to see clearly:
"God, give me eyes to see clearly. Help me not to be blinded by feelings or fear. Show me the red flags I'm tempted to ignore. Help me value green flags. Give me wisdom to know when to stay and courage to know when to walk away. Protect my heart. Guide my steps. Amen."
What's Coming Next
In Part 4 of this series, we'll explore Dating with Intention: How to Stop Wasting Time on Dead-End Relationships.
Your Turn
I'd love to hear from you.
What's a red flag you wish you hadn't ignored? What's a green flag you're grateful you noticed?
Share in the comments below. Your wisdom might help someone else.
With warmth and hope,
Your Joyful Daddy
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