The 5 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged (That Have Nothing to Do with Love)

Part 2 of the Modern Dating & Relationships for Young Adults Series

You're in love. You're sure they're "the one."

The chemistry is electric. The connection is deep. You finish each other's sentences. You can't imagine your life without them.

But here's the hard truth: Love is not enough to sustain a marriage.

Millions of couples who were deeply in love have ended up divorced. Not because they stopped loving each other—but because love alone couldn't overcome fundamental incompatibilities they never talked about.

Before you get engaged, you need to ask five questions that have nothing to do with how you feel—and everything to do with whether you can actually build a life together.

If you can answer these five questions well, you're ready. If you can't, you have work to do.

Part One: Why These Questions Matter

The Divorce Rate Among "In Love" Couples

The statistics are sobering. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce. And most of those couples were deeply in love when they got married.

What went wrong? They didn't talk about the hard things before they said "I do."

They assumed they were on the same page about money, kids, faith, conflict, and family. They weren't. And by the time they found out, they were already married—and in crisis.

These five questions are designed to prevent that.

The Difference Between Dating and Marriage

Dating is about chemistry, connection, and having fun. Marriage is about building a life together.

When you're dating, you can overlook differences. When you're married, those differences become daily realities.

The questions you ask before engagement determine the marriage you'll have.

Part Two: Question #1 - Values

"What do we believe about what matters most?"

Why This Question Matters

Values are the foundation of a life together. If you don't share core values, every decision becomes a negotiation—or a fight.

The problem: Many couples assume they share values because they share chemistry. But chemistry tells you nothing about what someone actually believes.

What to Discuss

Faith and Spirituality

· Do you believe in God? How important is faith in daily life?

· Will you attend church together? Separately? Not at all?

· How will faith shape your decisions, your parenting, your marriage?

Morality and Ethics

· What do you believe about right and wrong?

· How do you make ethical decisions?

· What are your non-negotiables?

The Role of Marriage

· What does marriage mean to you?

· Is divorce an option? Under what circumstances?

· What are your vows promising?

Core Beliefs About Life

· What is the purpose of life?

· What matters most to you?

· What do you want to be remembered for?

Red Flags to Watch For

· You avoid talking about faith because it's uncomfortable

· One of you is religious; the other is not (and you haven't discussed how that will work)

· You assume you're on the same page because you've never actually talked about it

· You're hoping they'll change after marriage

A Sample Conversation

"I've been thinking about what matters most to me in life. Faith is really important to me. I'd love to talk about what faith means to you and how you see it shaping our life together if we get married."

Part Three: Question #2 - Conflict

"How do we handle disagreement? And are we compatible in how we fight?"

Why This Question Matters

Every couple fights. The question isn't whether you'll disagree—it's how you'll handle it. Unresolved conflict is one of the leading causes of divorce.

The problem: Many couples avoid conflict before marriage because it's uncomfortable. They assume that if they love each other, they won't fight. That's not true. You will fight. And how you fight will determine if your marriage survives.

What to Discuss

Conflict Styles

· Do you tend to explode, withdraw, or try to fix things immediately?

· How did your families handle conflict?

· What do you do when you're angry?

Resolution Patterns

· Do you apologize? How?

· Do you hold grudges?

· Can you forgive and move on?

Communication Under Stress

· How do you communicate when you're tired, stressed, or overwhelmed?

· Do you say things you regret?

· Do you shut down?

Repair Attempts

· How do you make up after a fight?

· What helps you reconnect?

· Are you willing to go to counseling if needed?

Red Flags to Watch For

· You've never had a real fight (which means you're avoiding conflict)

· When you disagree, one of you dominates and the other withdraws

· Name-calling, contempt, or cruelty appears during disagreements

· One of you stonewalls (gives the silent treatment)

· You can't remember ever resolving a disagreement

A Sample Conversation

"I know every couple fights sometimes. I'd love to talk about how we handle conflict. What do you do when you're upset? How can I best support you when we disagree?"

Part Four: Question #3 - Finances

"How do we handle money? And are we aligned on spending, saving, and giving?"

Why This Question Matters

Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriage. Different attitudes about spending, saving, debt, and giving can destroy a marriage.

The problem: Many couples avoid talking about money because it feels unromantic. But avoiding the conversation doesn't make the differences disappear—it just means you'll discover them after you're married.

What to Discuss

Spending Habits

· Are you a spender or a saver?

· What do you splurge on? What do you skimp on?

· How do you feel about debt? Credit cards? Loans?

Saving and Goals

· Do you save for emergencies? Retirement? Big purchases?

· What are your financial goals? House? Travel? Early retirement?

Giving and Generosity

· Do you tithe or give to charity?

· How important is generosity to you?

· How will you decide together what to give?

Financial Roles

· Will you combine finances or keep them separate?

· Who will pay the bills? Track spending? Manage investments?

· How will you make big financial decisions together?

Debt and Obligations

· What debt do you have? Student loans? Credit cards? Car payments?

· How will you handle debt from before marriage?

· Do you have financial obligations to family?

Red Flags to Watch For

· You've never talked about money

· One of you is hiding debt or spending

· You have very different attitudes about money

· One of you wants to combine finances; the other wants to keep them separate

· You're hoping they'll change their spending habits after marriage

A Sample Conversation

"I know money can be an awkward topic, but I think it's important to talk about before we get married. Can we share where we are financially—debt, savings, spending habits—and talk about how we'd want to handle money together?"

Part Five: Question #4 - Family

"How will we navigate our families? What boundaries will we set?"

Why This Question Matters

When you marry, you don't just marry a person—you marry into their family. Different expectations about family involvement can create major conflict.

The problem: Many couples assume their families will just "get along." They don't talk about boundaries, holidays, or what role parents will play—until there's a crisis.

What to Discuss

In-Law Boundaries

· How much involvement do you want from your parents?

· How much involvement do you want from your partner's parents?

· What decisions are just for the two of you? Where do parents get input?

Holidays and Traditions

· How will you split holidays between families?

· What traditions are non-negotiable for each of you?

· How will you create your own traditions?

Parenting and Grandparents

· What role will grandparents play in raising children?

· How will you handle unsolicited advice from parents?

· What boundaries do you need to protect your marriage?

Family Obligations

· Do you have financial obligations to your family?

· Will you be expected to care for aging parents?

· How will you balance family loyalty with your marriage?

Red Flags to Watch For

· One of you is enmeshed with their parents (can't make decisions without them)

· One of you is estranged from family (unresolved issues may surface)

· You haven't discussed how you'll handle holidays

· One partner expects the other to "deal with" their own family alone

· You're hoping your partner will change their relationship with their parents after marriage

A Sample Conversation

"I love your family, and I want us to have a good relationship with both our families. Can we talk about what that looks like—holidays, boundaries, how much involvement we want from parents?"

Part Six: Question #5 - Future

"Are we heading in the same direction? What do we want our life to look like?"

Why This Question Matters

You don't need to have your whole life mapped out. But you do need to be heading in the same general direction. If one of you dreams of living in the city and the other wants a farm, that's a problem. If one wants five kids and the other wants none, that's a problem.

The problem: Many couples assume they'll "figure it out" later. But major life decisions—where to live, whether to have children, career paths—don't resolve themselves. They require alignment.

What to Discuss

Children

· Do you want children? How many?

· How would you raise them? Discipline? Education? Faith?

· What if you struggle with infertility?

Career and Work

· What are your career ambitions?

· Will one of you stay home with kids?

· How will you balance work and family?

Where to Live

· Where do you want to live? City? Suburbs? Country?

· Are you willing to move for each other's careers?

· What kind of home do you want?

Lifestyle

· How important is travel? Adventure? Stability?

· What does a typical week look like to you?

· What are your hobbies and how will you prioritize them?

Aging and Retirement

· What does retirement look like to you?

· Where do you want to live when you're older?

· How will you care for aging parents?

Red Flags to Watch For

· You disagree about having children (this is a dealbreaker for many)

· One of you wants to live somewhere the other doesn't

· Your career ambitions are in direct conflict

· You haven't talked about any of this

· You're hoping they'll change their mind about something major

A Sample Conversation

"I'd love to dream together about what our life could look like. Where do you want to live? What kind of family do you want? What are your hopes for the future?"

Part Seven: Putting It All Together

The "No Surprises" Rule

The goal of these questions is not to find someone exactly like you. The goal is to have no surprises after you're married.

You don't have to agree on everything. But you do need to know where you disagree—and whether those disagreements are manageable.

If you can't talk about these things before marriage, you're not ready to get married.

What to Do If You Find Disagreements

Don't panic. Disagreements are normal. The question is whether you can work through them.

Talk more. Some disagreements resolve with more conversation. Others reveal deeper incompatibilities.

Get help. A premarital counselor can help you navigate hard conversations.

Don't assume they'll change. Never marry someone hoping they'll change. If you can't accept them as they are today, don't marry them.

Be honest with yourself. Some differences are workable. Some are dealbreakers. Only you can know the difference.

When to Walk Away

It's painful to end a relationship with someone you love. But it's more painful to marry someone you're incompatible with and end up divorced.

Consider walking away if:

· You disagree about having children

· You have fundamentally different values

· You have very different approaches to money

· You can't resolve conflict in a healthy way

· Your families are enmeshed in ways that threaten your marriage

It's better to be single and wait for the right person than to marry the wrong person and suffer.

A Prayer for Those Considering Engagement

For couples discerning whether to take the next step:

"God, give us wisdom as we consider marriage. Help us ask the hard questions. Give us courage to be honest with each other and with ourselves. Show us if we're ready—or if we have more work to do. And if this is not the right person, give us the strength to walk away. Guide us toward the future you have for us. Amen."

What's Coming Next

In Part 3 of this series, we'll explore Red Flags vs. Green Flags: A Visual Guide to Healthy Relationships.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear from you.

Which of these five questions is hardest for you to talk about? What would you add to the list?

Share in the comments below. Your wisdom might help another couple.

With warmth and hope,

Your Joyful Daddy