Part 6 of the Modern Dating & Relationships for Young Adults Series
Moving in together is a big step. Don't take it lightly.
More than 70% of couples now live together before marriage. It's become the norm. And many couples see it as a trial run—a way to test compatibility before making a lifetime commitment.
But research tells a more complicated story. Couples who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates than those who don't.
Why? Not because living together causes divorce. Because many couples drift into cohabitation without real intention. They move in for convenience—to save money, because it's easier, because everyone else is doing it. And once they're living together, it's harder to break up. They slide into marriage instead of deciding.
This guide is for couples considering moving in together—whether before marriage or as an alternative to marriage. It offers questions to ask yourselves, conversations to have, and wisdom for making a decision you won't regret.
Part One: The Research
What the Data Shows
· 70-80% of couples now live together before marriage
· Couples who live together before engagement have higher divorce rates
· Couples who are already engaged before moving in together do not show the same increased risk
· The key factor is intention, not cohabitation itself
Why the Risk?
The "Sliding" Phenomenon
Many couples don't decide to move in together—they slide into it. It starts with spending the night more often. Then leaving a toothbrush. Then staying over every night. Then "well, we're basically already living together."
The Inertia Effect
Once you're living together, breaking up is much harder. You have a lease. You have furniture. You have a joint bank account. You have a pet. So even when you know the relationship isn't right, you stay. And eventually, you get married—not because you chose to, but because it was the path of least resistance.
The "Trial Run" Problem
Many couples view cohabitation as a test. But here's the problem: living together doesn't actually tell you if you should get married. It tells you if you can share space. It doesn't tell you if you share values, goals, or commitment.
What This Means for You
The research doesn't say "never move in together." It says: Be intentional. Don't slide. Don't drift. Make a decision, not an accident.
If you move in together, know why you're doing it. Have a timeline. Have conversations about what it means. And if you're planning to get married, consider waiting until you're engaged.
Part Two: Questions to Ask Yourselves
Before You Decide
1. Why do we want to move in together?
Be honest. Is it for love? Convenience? Finances? Pressure? The answer matters.
2. Are we on the same page about what this means?
Does moving in together mean you're moving toward marriage? Or is it just for now? If you have different answers, you have a problem.
3. Have we talked about marriage?
If you haven't discussed marriage, moving in together won't clarify things. It will complicate them.
4. Are we engaged?
Research shows that couples who are engaged before moving in together have better outcomes. If marriage is the goal, consider waiting until you're engaged.
5. Would we be moving in together if it wasn't convenient?
If the only reason is "it's cheaper" or "it's easier," that's a yellow flag.
About the Relationship
6. Have we had hard conversations?
Have you talked about money, chores, conflict, sex, family boundaries, and future goals? If not, you're not ready.
7. Have we seen each other through hard seasons?
Have you seen each other stressed, sick, tired, grieving, or failing? Living together will show you these sides. Better to have seen them first.
8. Do we know how to fight well?
Can you disagree without cruelty? Can you repair? Can you apologize?
9. Do we share core values?
Faith, family, finances, future—are you aligned on what matters most?
10. Are we ready for the loss of independence?
Living together means less alone time. Less freedom to do whatever you want. Are you ready for that?
Practical Questions
11. How will we handle finances?
Will you split everything 50/50? Proportional to income? Who pays for what? Get specific.
12. How will we divide chores?
Who does dishes? Laundry? Groceries? Cleaning? If you haven't discussed it, you'll fight about it.
13. What happens if we break up?
This is hard to talk about. But you need to. Who keeps the apartment? Who gets the furniture? What's the exit plan?
14. What happens if one of us loses a job?
Can you afford the rent on one income? Do you have savings? Have a plan.
15. What about space and alone time?
Do you need alone time? Do they? How will you honor that in a shared space?
Part Three: Conversations to Have Before Moving In
The "What Does This Mean" Conversation
Don't assume you're on the same page. Talk about it explicitly.
Questions to ask:
· "What does moving in together mean to you?"
· "Are we moving toward marriage, or just cohabitating?"
· "What's our timeline? A year? Two? Five?"
· "If we realize it's not working, what do we do?"
If you can't have this conversation, you're not ready to move in together.
The Money Conversation
Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict for cohabitating couples.
What to discuss:
· How will we split rent and utilities?
· Who pays for groceries? Dining out? Entertainment?
· Will we combine finances or keep them separate?
· What debt do each of us have?
· What are our spending habits and saving goals?
Get specific. Vague agreements lead to vague resentments.
The Chores Conversation
Who does what? Don't assume it will "just work out."
What to discuss:
· Who does dishes? Laundry? Cleaning? Yard work?
· How often?
· What happens if someone doesn't do their share?
Pro tip: Talk about this before you move in. Not after you're already resentful.
The Space and Boundaries Conversation
Living together means sharing space. Talk about what you need.
What to discuss:
· Do you need alone time? How much?
· Can you have friends over without checking first?
· What are the rules about guests?
· How do you handle time apart?
The Exit Plan Conversation
This is uncomfortable. But it's necessary.
What to discuss:
· What happens if we break up?
· Who stays in the apartment?
· Who gets the furniture?
· Do we have a timeline for moving out?
· Do we have savings to cover an unexpected move?
Having this conversation doesn't mean you expect to break up. It means you're being responsible.
Part Four: The Case for Waiting
Why Wait Until Engagement or Marriage
Clarity of intention. When you're engaged or married, you've made a decision. You're not drifting. You're choosing.
Lower risk. Research shows that couples who wait until engagement or marriage have better outcomes.
The relationship is tested differently. Living together tests your ability to share space. Engagement tests your ability to commit. Marriage tests your ability to stay.
You avoid the inertia trap. When you're not living together, it's easier to end a relationship that isn't right. You're not stuck because of a lease.
You build anticipation. Waiting can be beautiful. There's something special about not living together until you're married.
If You're Going to Move In Before Engagement
Do it intentionally. Don't slide. Make a conscious decision.
Set a timeline. "We'll live together for one year, then decide about engagement."
Keep separate finances. Don't combine everything. Keep some independence.
Have an exit plan. Know what you'll do if it doesn't work out.
Keep dating. Don't stop doing the things that kept your relationship alive.
Check in regularly. Every month, ask: "How are we doing? Is this still working?"
Part Five: A Word for Christian Couples
The Traditional View
Many Christian traditions teach that living together before marriage is not advisable. The reasons include:
· Sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage
· Cohabitation can create spiritual and emotional bonds that mimic marriage without its commitments
· The witness of marriage is important in Christian community
· Scripture calls us to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18)
What to Consider
If you're a Christian considering cohabitation:
Talk to your pastor or spiritual mentor. Don't make this decision in isolation.
Consider your witness. What message does living together send to others—especially younger believers?
Set clear boundaries. If you do live together, be clear about what you will and won't do.
Be honest with yourselves. Are you using cohabitation to avoid making a real commitment?
An Alternative: Moving in Together with Boundaries
Some Christian couples choose to live together without having sex. This can work, but it requires:
· Clear boundaries
· Accountability
· Separate bedrooms
· Honest communication
It's possible, but it's hard. Don't underestimate the challenge.
Part Six: Practical Tips If You Decide to Move In
Before You Move
1. Sign a written agreement. Not romantic, but smart. Who pays for what? What happens if you break up?
2. Keep some finances separate. Joint account for shared expenses, separate accounts for everything else.
3. Have a trial period. Could you rent a place for a month first? Test it out.
4. Keep your own space. Even in a shared apartment, have a corner that's yours.
5. Talk about everything. Money, chores, space, guests, alone time, future.
After You Move In
1. Keep dating. Don't stop doing the things that kept your relationship alive.
2. Have regular check-ins. Monthly, ask: "How are we doing? What's working? What isn't?"
3. Don't slide into marriage. If marriage is the goal, have a timeline. Don't just drift.
4. Maintain your friendships. Don't disappear from your friends.
5. Get support. Have older couples or mentors you can talk to.
Signs It's Not Working
· You're fighting more than connecting
· You feel more anxious than peaceful
· You're staying because of the lease, not because of love
· You've stopped talking about the future
· You're avoiding each other
· You've lost respect for each other
If you see these signs, don't stay just because it's hard to leave. It's better to move out than to stay in a relationship that's not right.
A Prayer for Couples Considering Moving In Together
For those discerning this big decision:
"God, give us wisdom as we consider this step. Help us be honest about our motivations. Show us if we're ready—or if we need to wait. Give us courage to have hard conversations. Protect us from drifting. And guide us toward the future you have for us—whether together or apart. Amen."
What's Coming Next
In Part 7 of this series, we'll explore How to Know If You're Ready for Marriage: Self-Assessment Questions for the Serious Dater.
Your Turn
I'd love to hear from you.
What questions would you add to this list? What wisdom would you share with a couple considering moving in together?
Share in the comments below. Your wisdom might help someone else.
With warmth and hope,
Your Joyful Daddy
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