Part 6 of the Quick Wisdom Series
We spend a lot of time asking questions about our spouses.
"Why don't they understand me?"
"Why can't they just…?"
"What are they doing wrong?"
"What do I need that I'm not getting?"
But there's one question that most of us never ask—and it's the one that could transform our marriages.
Not "What can you do for me?"
Not "Why aren't you meeting my needs?"
This:
"What is it like to be married to me?"
That question changes everything.
Part One: Why This Question Matters
The Default Position
Most of us default to asking questions from our own perspective. We focus on what we're not getting, what's not fair, what our spouse is doing wrong.
This is natural. It's also destructive.
When you only ask questions about your spouse, you become a judge. When you ask questions about yourself, you become a student.
The Mirror, Not the Window
This question turns the mirror on yourself instead of the window onto your spouse.
It asks:
· What's it like on the other side of the table?
· What's it like to be loved by you?
· What's it like to be criticized by you?
· What's it like to come home to you?
· What's it like to be married to you?
The Humility Required
You can't ask this question without humility. It requires you to set down your defenses, your justifications, your "yes, buts."
This question is not about blame. It's about growth.
The Potential for Change
No question has the power to change your marriage more than this one. Because when you honestly seek the answer, you will find things you can change.
You can't change your spouse. You can change you.
Part Two: What This Question Is NOT
It's Not Self-Flagellation
This question is not about beating yourself up. It's not about shame. It's not about concluding "I'm a terrible spouse."
The goal is growth, not guilt.
It's Not About Blame
You're not asking this question to assign fault. You're asking to understand. To learn. To grow.
There's a difference between "What's wrong with me?" and "What can I learn?"
It's Not a Trap for Your Spouse
Don't ask your spouse this question and then get defensive when they answer honestly. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question.
Only ask if you're ready to listen—really listen.
Part Three: What the Answer Might Reveal
Common Themes
When people honestly ask this question, they often discover:
"It's exhausting." You may be high-maintenance, demanding, or never satisfied.
"It's lonely." You may be emotionally distant, unavailable, or distracted by work or screens.
"It's unpredictable." Your moods may be volatile. Your spouse walks on eggshells.
"It's critical." You may be quick to point out flaws, slow to offer praise.
"It's safe." You may have created a home where your spouse feels secure and loved.
"It's fun." You may bring joy, laughter, and lightness to your marriage.
"It's growing." You may be working on yourself, and your spouse sees progress.
Honest Reflection
Take time to sit with this question. Don't rush to an answer. Pray about it. Journal about it.
What do you think your spouse would say?
Part Four: How to Ask Your Spouse
The Right Way
Choose the right time. Not during a fight. Not when you're tired or stressed. A calm, neutral moment.
Prepare your heart. You must be ready to listen without defensiveness. This is not a debate. It's a discovery.
Ask gently. "I've been thinking about our marriage. I want to be a better husband. Can I ask you something? What's it like to be married to me?"
Listen without interrupting. Let them finish. Don't explain. Don't justify. Don't defend.
Thank them. Regardless of what they say, thank them for their honesty. "Thank you for telling me. That takes courage."
Ask for clarification if needed. "Can you help me understand what you mean by that?"
Don't punish. If they share something hard, don't get angry, withdraw, or punish them later. That will ensure they never answer honestly again.
What to Say When It's Hard
If your spouse shares something painful:
· "Thank you for being honest with me. That must have been hard to say."
· "I'm sorry that's been your experience. I want to change that."
· "I hear you. I need some time to process this. Can we talk more about it tomorrow?"
If They Won't Answer
Some spouses may be reluctant to answer. They may fear your reaction or not know how to put it into words.
What to say: "I understand this is hard. Take your time. I want to know. Whenever you're ready, I'm here to listen."
Part Five: What to Do with the Answer
Don't Get Defensive
Your first instinct will be to defend yourself. "You're wrong." "That's not fair." "You do it too."
Resist that instinct. Defensiveness shuts down the conversation and ensures they won't be honest next time.
Sit with It
You don't have to respond immediately. It's okay to say, "Thank you for telling me. I need some time to think about what you've said."
Take a day. Pray about it. Journal about it.
Apologize Where Needed
If your spouse shared ways you've hurt them, apologize. Not a defensive "I'm sorry, but…" A real apology.
"I'm sorry I've made you feel that way. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"
Make a Plan
Pick one thing to work on. Not ten things. One thing.
"I heard that you feel lonely when I'm on my phone after dinner. Can we try putting our phones away after 8 PM?"
Follow Through
The most important part. Change your behavior. Not for a week. Permanently.
Your spouse will notice. And trust will grow.
Check In Again
After you've worked on it for a while, ask again. "Remember when I asked what it's like to be married to me? Is it different now? What still needs to change?"
This is not a one-time question. It's a way of life.
Part Six: The Other Side of the Question
What If Your Spouse Asks You?
If your spouse asks you this question, be honest—but be kind.
Honest without cruel. "Sometimes I feel lonely when you're on your phone." Not "You're always ignoring me."
Specific, not general. "I feel hurt when you raise your voice." Not "You have anger problems."
Focus on your experience. "I feel…" not "You always…"
Offer hope. "I believe we can work on this together."
The Gift of Honesty
When your spouse asks this question, they're giving you a gift. They're saying, "I want to be better. Help me."
Don't waste that gift by being cruel or vague.
Part Seven: A Story
A man once asked his wife this question. She hesitated, then said, "It's lonely. You're here, but you're not present. You're always on your phone. When I talk, you're not really listening."
He felt defensive. He wanted to say, "I work hard. I provide for this family. You don't appreciate me."
But he didn't. He listened. He thanked her. And he changed.
He started putting his phone away after dinner. He made eye contact when she spoke. He asked questions about her day.
A month later, he asked again. "What's it like to be married to me now?"
She smiled. "It's not lonely anymore."
One question changed everything.
Part Eight: A Prayer for the Humble
For those willing to ask the hard question:
"God, give me courage to ask the question I've been avoiding. Give me humility to hear the answer without defensiveness. Give me grace to change what needs to change. And give me patience for the process. I want to be a better spouse. Help me see myself clearly. Amen."
What's Coming Next
In Part 7 of this series, we'll explore "Signs You're in a Mature Relationship."
Your Turn
I'd love to hear from you.
If you asked your spouse "What's it like to be married to me?" what do you think they would say? What's one thing you could change this week?
Share in the comments below. Your honesty might help someone else.
With warmth and hope,
Your Joyful Daddy
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